Written by Carmen Littlechild, MSW, a Calgary Therapist
Boundaries are a common topic in DBT therapy and in therapy more broadly, because they are important for navigating conflict, relationships (personal and professional), and creating balance in our lives. Although boundaries are a necessary part of life, implementing them can feel challenging or dysregulating for some people.
When setting a non-negotiable, or “bottom line,” a person is communicating what they require from a relationship, situation, or environment. Boundaries are more than just communicating dislikes; they define the expectations, needs, and limitations a person is willing and able to meet.
For example, this may require setting a boundary with an employer that you are unable to work every second Saturday due to family obligations or loaning out a book to a friend with a specific return date. While boundaries can help people manage daily life stressors more effectively, difficulty communicating them can lead to increased stress, resentment, burnout, or emotional dysregulation (Koutsimani et al., 2019).
Why Boundaries Feel So Difficult
For some individuals, boundaries can feel difficult because they have learned to prioritise others’ needs, emotions, or comfort over their own. While caring for others and making compromises are healthy parts of relationships, healthy boundaries also involve distinguishing between putting people before yourself and placing their needs above your own. This can present as people-pleasing behaviours or the “fawn” response, which will be explored further in this article (Walker, 2013).
These behaviours are often learned over time through family dynamics, relationships, cultural expectations, or past experiences (Abela et al., 2025). Many individuals grow up with implicit rules or toxic rules that determine how they view themselves, conflict, emotional needs, and relationships with others.
These rules become harmful when they teach individuals to suppress their emotions, ignore their needs, avoid conflict, or prioritise the comfort of others at the expense of their own well-being. Rules such as “don’t speak up,” “don’t create conflict,” or “take responsibility for others” can pose considerable obstacles to the development of healthy boundaries (Abela et al., 2025). As a result, creating boundaries may feel uncomfortable, guilt-inducing, or even unsafe.
How Nervous System Responses Can Impact Boundaries
When boundaries begin to feel unsafe, the nervous system can become activated. The nervous system’s role is to keep a person alert and aware of possible dangers (Porges, 2022). When situations become dysregulating, the nervous system may shift into survival responses such as fight, flight, freeze, fawn, or shutdown states known as hyperarousal or hypoarousal (Corrigan et al., 2011).
Unfortunately, we do not always consciously choose these responses, as the brain determines what it believes will be the safest option at that moment (Corrigan et al., 2011). This does not mean that a person is weak, avoidant, or agrees with the conflict, but rather that their nervous system is attempting to survive in the best way it knows how.
As described by Dr. John Gottman, when the nervous system becomes highly activated, it becomes “physically impossible” to engage in logical processing, making it more difficult to think clearly, communicate effectively, or remain regulated during conflict or boundary-setting (Gottman & Silver, 2015). As a result, emotional, cognitive, and physical (somatic) responses may intensify as the body prepares to address perceived danger or distress.
Over time, these nervous system responses and learned behaviours can begin to shape the beliefs individuals hold about themselves and others. A person may begin to believe that their needs are “too much,” that expressing emotions will create rejection or conflict, or that maintaining connection requires self-sacrifice. This can lead to the formation of adaptive survival strategies that once helped a person manage tough environments or relationships (Pfluger et al., 2022). However, while these strategies may have served a protective purpose at one point in time, they can later create barriers to healthy communication, emotional self-regulation, and boundary setting in adulthood (Pfluger et al., 2022; Walker, 2013).
Using DBT “Legitimate Rights” To Support Boundary Setting In Calgary
For many people, difficulty defining boundaries is not simply about a lack of communication skills. Boundaries can challenge deeply ingrained beliefs about worth, safety, rejection, conflict, or responsibility for others (Pfluger et al., 2022; Dion et al., 2024). This is where Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) skills and psychoeducation can help identify and challenge these internalized messages (Linehan, 2015; Swales, 2009).
One therapeutic approach that can support individuals in challenging toxic rules, people-pleasing behaviours, and difficulties with boundaries is the DBT worksheet known as “Your Legitimate Rights” (Linehan, 2015).
The “Your Legitimate Rights” worksheet prompts individuals to reflect on their beliefs about themselves, their emotional needs, and their relationships with others. For some people, reading these statements may feel validating or empowering. For others, certain rights may create discomfort, guilt, fear, resistance, or even disbelief (Gazzillo et al., 2024). These reactions can provide important insight concerning emotional experiences, toxic rules, and nervous system responses related to boundaries and self-worth.
Your Legitimate Rights
1. You have a right to need things from others.
2. You have a right to put yourself first sometimes.
3. You have a right to feel and express your emotions or your pain.
4. You have a right to be the final judge of your beliefs and accept them as legitimate.
5. You have a right to your opinions and convictions.
6. You have a right to your experience—even if it’s different from that of other people.
7. You have a right to protest any treatment or criticism that feels bad to you.
8. You have a right to negotiate for change.
9. You have a right to ask for help, emotional support, or anything else you need (even though you may not always get it).
10. You have a right to say no; saying no doesn’t make you bad or selfish.
11. You have a right not to justify yourself to others.
12. You have a right not to take responsibility for someone else’s problem.
13. You have a right to choose not to respond to a situation.
14. You have a right, sometimes, to inconvenience or disappoint others.
As you examine these rights, it can be helpful to notice which statements feel natural and which ones feel uncomfortable or difficult to accept. For some individuals, rights such as saying no, disappointing others, expressing emotions, or requesting support may feel especially difficult because of past experiences, trauma, or learned beliefs about responsibility (Gazzillo et al., 2024; Dion et al., 2024).
These reactions do not mean that a person is selfish, difficult, or failing at relationships, but may reflect long-standing patterns developed to maintain safety, connection, or emotional survival (Pfluger et al., 2022; Walker, 2013).
Find Support At Assured Psychology In Calgary
Therapy can provide a supportive space to explore these patterns, strengthen emotional self-regulation skills, and establish healthier ways to communicate needs and set boundaries without excessive guilt or shame.
If you find yourself struggling with boundaries, people-pleasing behaviours, guilt, or difficulty expressing your needs, you are not alone. These patterns are typically shaped by lived experiences that develop over time.
Therapy could offer a safe place to better understand these patterns and build healthier ways to communicate boundaries, with increased confidence and self-compassion. At Assured Psychology, we offer counselling in Calgary and support individuals as they manage boundaries, emotional management, trauma, relationships, and self-worth.
FAQs About Boundaries And DBT Therapy In Calgary
What is DBT and how can it help with boundaries?
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) is a structured, evidence-based therapy that teaches practical skills for managing emotions, improving relationships, and tolerating distress. When it comes to boundaries, DBT tools like the “Your Legitimate Rights” worksheet help individuals identify the internalized beliefs and toxic rules that make boundaries feel unsafe or guilt-inducing. A DBT-informed therapist can work with you to understand these patterns and build more effective, compassionate ways of communicating your needs.
Why do I feel guilty when I set a boundary?
Guilt is one of the most common responses to boundary-setting, and it is often rooted in long-standing learned beliefs about responsibility, conflict, and relationships. Many people grow up with implicit rules that teach them to prioritise others or avoid upsetting people, and setting a boundary can feel like breaking those rules. These feelings are not a sign that you are doing something wrong. They typically reflect patterns that developed over time as a way to maintain safety or connection, and they can shift with the right support.
How do I find a DBT therapist in Calgary?
If you are looking for DBT-informed therapy in Calgary, a good starting point is to search for registered therapists or counsellors who list DBT or emotion-focused approaches among their specialties. When reaching out, it can help to ask whether the therapist has specific experience with boundaries, people-pleasing, or emotional regulation, as these are often interconnected areas of focus in DBT work.
Looking for support setting boundaries? Book an appointment at Assured Psychology today!
References
Abela, K. R., Hussain, A., & Law, D. M. (2025). Interweaving threads: Untangling the moderating relationship of parent-child conflict and closeness in the association between interparental conflict and emotion regulation. Journal of Family Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1177/21676968241311950
Corrigan, F. M., Fisher, J. J., & Nutt, D. J. (2011). Autonomic dysregulation and the Window of Tolerance model of the effects of complex emotional trauma. Journal of Psychopharmacology, 25(1), 17–25. https://doi.org/10.1177/0269881109354930
Dion, J., Smith, K., Dufour, M. P., Paquette, L., Dubreuil, J., & Godbout, N. (2024). The relationship between negative self-concept, trauma, and maltreatment in children and adolescents: A meta-analysis. PMC. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10920440/
Gazzillo, F., et al. (2024). Passing tests and using one’s attitude to help patients overcome their pathogenic feelings of guilt and shame. PMC. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11635338/
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (2nd ed.). Harmony Books.
Koutsimani, P., Montgomery, A., & Georganta, K. (2019). The relationship between burnout, depression, and anxiety: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Frontiers in Psychology, 10, 284. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00284
Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT skills training handouts and worksheets (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.
Pfluger, V., Barbano, A. C., Wittmann, L., Fegert, J. M., & Goldbeck, L. (2022). Associations between complex trauma exposure in childhood/adolescence and psychopathology in older age: The role of stress coping and coping self-perception. Frontiers in Psychiatry. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9360395/
Porges, S. W. (2022). Polyvagal theory: A science of safety. Frontiers in Integrative Neuroscience, 16, 871227. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnint.2022.871227
Swales, M. A. (2009). Dialectical behaviour therapy: Description, research and future directions. International Journal of Behavioral Consultation and Therapy, 5(2), 164–177. https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/EJ880555.pdf
Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving. Azure Coyote.