What Do Narcissism and Gaslighting Really Mean
Written by Cody Harper, a Calgary Therapist
The words “narcissist” and “gaslighting” seem to frequently come up when people talk about relationship problems, especially online and on social media.
These words have a long history in both the arts and in science, and when used in the context of mental health, they have specific definitions. They describe significant and lasting patterns in the way a person thinks, feels, and behaves, and they mean a great deal to survivors of abusive relationships.
Disagreements and emotionally fraught arguments are unfortunately common in close relationships. People can shut down, become critical, act defensively, or say things they later regret. These moments can be infuriating and upsetting.
But this behaviour does not automatically mean that somebody has a personality disorder. It does not mean that they are deliberately trying to harm someone.
In this article, we will look at what narcissism is and what gaslighting is, and what they are not. We will look at how narcissism and gaslighting is different from normal relationship conflict, and why misusing these words can cause confusion and harm.
The goal here is not to defend abusive behaviour or blame victims of abusive behaviour. The goal is to help people use these words more accurately when talking about serious issues.
What Is Narcissism?
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a medically recognized mental health condition. It is not the same as being selfish, dramatic, bossy, or attempting to control things. People with NPD show long-term patterns of needing constant attention, a grandiose sense of self worth, and showing little to no empathy towards others.
Being in a relationship with someone who has NPD can be devastating. These relationships often include emotional manipulation, repeated boundary violations, and coercion. The survivors of these relationships often experience depression, anxiety, and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that can last for years (Day et al., 2020; Green et al., 2023).
Doctors will diagnose NPD using the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders or DSM-5 (5th ed.; American Psychiatric Association, 2013). The patient must display at least five of nine listed traits, across many domains of life, beginning in early adulthood and continuing over time.
While the effects of NPD can be severe, the condition itself is rare. Only 0.3% to 6% of people meet the full criteria, with many studies placing the estimate closer to 1% or 2% (Calefato et al., 2025)
Acting selfishly or angrily does not automatically equal NPD. This disorder is serious, persistent, and it can’t be diagnosed solely based on a series of arguments or a few bad months.
The Problem With Pop Psychology Labels
A quick search on the web will pull up many websites that mention five, six, or even eight “types of narcissists”. While these categories raise interesting ideas, they are not supported by science. In psychological research, narcissism is usually described as only having two forms: grandiose narcissism, which includes arrogance and attention-seeking, and vulnerable narcissism, which is more insecure and sensitive (Wink, 1991; Miller et al., 2018).
Terms such as “communal narcissist”, or “covert narcissist” are not part of any official mental health manual like the DSM-5, and they are not backed by peer-reviewed research. The articles that name these categories of narcissist are largely anecdotal and based on personal theories, and they tend to be written by people who are not trained professionals.
The danger is if someone reads these articles online, they may wrongly label themselves or someone close to them as one of these “types”, instead of thoughtfully examining the complexity of their relationship.
What Normal Relationship Conflict Looks Like
Getting angry, crying, raised voices, and disagreements are part of nearly every close relationship. People are messy. They bring maladaptive coping mechanisms from their childhood into their adult relationships, and these coping mechanisms can often be completely under the surface. Arguments can spin out of control, a spiralling pattern of fighting that seems to keep happening over and over again, all while neither person is fully aware of the unmet needs or buried emotions of the other.
Unfortunately, difficult moments like these happen all the time in relationships. But none of this means that someone has a personality disorder.
Reactions like criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (refusing to engage) are quite common in all relationships, especially during periods of high stress (Gottman Institute, 2024). These reactions might be unhealthy, but they are not rare. And they are not signs of narcissism or abuse on their own.
What Is Gaslighting?
The word “gaslighting” comes from the 1938 British play Gas Light by Patrick Hamilton. The story is about a husband who deliberately tries to make his wife go insane by secretly changing the brightness of the gas lights in their home, and then insisting that she is imagining all of it.
This word has gone on to describe a form of emotional abuse where one person tries to make the other person question their reality. It is done on purpose, and it happens again and again over time. The goal for the abuser is to wear the other person down, to confuse and control them.
Being on the receiving end of gaslighting can be a nightmare. A person can start to feel as though they are “losing it”, like they can’t trust themselves anymore, leading to long-term psychological harm (GBV Learning Network, 2023).
But disagreement, getting into arguments, or remembering things differently, is not the same thing as gaslighting.
In healthy relationships, people frequently remember events differently. What makes it gaslighting is when this denial of someone’s reality happens repeatedly, not just once but over time, and in a way that is intended to cause fear, doubt, and confusion.
Some phrases commonly associated with gaslighting are:
- “You’re being crazy.”
- “You’re overreacting.”
- “I was just joking!”
- “You made me do it.”
- “I know you better than you know yourself.”
- “If you loved me, then you’d let me do what I want.”
- “Everyone else agrees with me.”
But keep in mind, using any of these phrases alone doesn’t necessarily mean the other person is gaslighting. Sometimes they may truly believe what they are saying, or they might feel so defensive or ashamed that they have to lash out with these phrases to protect themselves.
Gaslighting occurs when someone repeatedly uses these phrases over time with the direct intention of confusing and undermining the other person’s confidence and mental health.
How “Narcissism” and “Gaslighting” Get Misused
An article in the British Journal of Psychiatry warns that using terms like “narcissist” too casually weakens their meaning and makes it more difficult to diagnose accurately (Brown, 2019). Another study in the American Sociological Review found that “gaslighting” is mentioned online quite frequently when describing regular relationship conflict, even when the real definition involves malicious and long-term emotional abuse (Sweet, 2019).
The overuse and misuse of these words can make it harder to recognize when real abuse is happening. It can confuse people who are trying to understand their own experiences, believing they might be a “narcissist” when the issue is far more complex. And for those who have actually experienced narcissistic abuse and gaslighting, using these words so casually can feel dismissive and insulting.
When the Label Becomes the Problem
Using any clinical diagnosis as ammunition in a fight, whether the diagnosis is assumed or formally diagnosed, is harmful. It oversimplifies the issue, shuts down any meaningful conversation, and it labels the other person as “the problem”, while avoiding any shared accountability and vulnerability.
Furthermore, calling someone a “narcissist” and “gaslighter” strongly implies malicious intent, often when the other person is just reacting emotionally. In the parlance of our times, it is effectively the same as calling the other person a “monster”. Even the professionals who work closely with individuals diagnosed with NPD would not view them in this way.
As Dr. Laura Berman says in her article Why We Shouldn’t Be So Quick to Label People ‘Narcissists’, there is often “no point to the label”. Diagnoses are only given out when it could meaningfully help or guide treatment. Unless the diagnosis will actually help the patient improve their lives, it shouldn’t be used. And diagnoses frequently carry a lot of stigma, often making the patient feel othered and ostracized (Berman, 2021).
Using labels like “narcissist” or “gaslighting” in an argument is often just a way to gain leverage in the argument., which can be just as manipulative or abusive as the behaviour being called out. These labels villainize the other person, stigmatizing them, invalidating all that they were trying to say, and the argument shifts from a disagreement to a depreciation.
What To Do Instead
In my practice as an individual therapist in Calgary, Ab I’ve noticed, it’s temping to use clinical labels and psychological terms during a painful moment. They offer quick explanations for complicated problems. But they also reduce that complexity to a simplified judgment, which raises defensive walls and makes it harder to address the real issues together.
Instead, we should focus on specific behaviours and how those actions make us feel. The best way to help an argument move forwards is by being honest, taking shared accountability, respecting boundaries, and deepening understanding and empathy.
Try:
- Describing the behaviour, not the “diagnosis”.
- Seeking the help of a couples counsellor.
- Focusing on kindness, understanding, and shared vulnerability.
- If all else fails, seek help if the relationship still feels unsafe
It should be stated that while most arguments in close relationships are not the result of narcissistic abuse, the effects of narcissistic abuse and gaslighting are very real. If any of these abusive patterns seem familiar to you, seek the help of a mental health professional or someone you trust right away.
Conclusion
Narcissism is a clinical diagnosis for a long-term personality disorder. Gaslighting is a documented form of emotional abuse, often linked to patterns seen in narcissistic behaviour. Both of these terms describe serious and harmful dynamics. Using them inaccurately causes confusion and harm.
A series of arguments or large emotional reactions in a close relationship does not justify these labels, nor does behaviour like criticism, hurtful language, shutting down, or defensiveness, which are all common behaviours in close relationships.
Healthy relationships are not free from conflict, with no exception. What matters is how people respond to that conflict. Talking clearly, taking mutual accountability, setting respectful boundaries, and focusing on the behaviour rather than the labels, is a far more effective way to work through difficult moments and deepen understanding and respect.
In this modern age of popular content and disinformation, it becomes increasingly important to call things what they are, not what sounds dramatic.
References
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK556001/
Berman, L. (2021). Why we shouldn’t be so quick to label people ‘narcissists’. DrLauraBerman.com. https://drlauraberman.com/why-we-shouldnt-be-so-quick-to-label-people-narcissists/
Brown, B. (2019). On the uses and abuses of narcissism as a public health issue. The British Journal of Psychiatry, 213(6), 322–324. https://doi.org/10.1192/bjp.2019.158
Calefato, A., Guerrini, G., & Muda, A. O. (2025). Narcissistic personality disorder. Medscape. https://emedicine.medscape.com/article/1519417-overview
Campbell, W. K., & Miller, J. D. (Eds.). (2011). The handbook of narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder: Theoretical approaches, empirical findings, and treatments. Wiley.
Campbell, W. K., Rudich, E. A., & Sedikides, C. (2000). Narcissism, self-esteem, and the positivity of self-views: Two portraits of self-love. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 26(3), 358–368. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167200263007
Day, N. J., Townsend, M. L., & Grenyer, B. F. S. (2020). Living with pathological narcissism: A qualitative study. Journal of Contemporary Psychotherapy, 50(4), 273–282. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10879-020-09456-2
GBV Learning Network. (2023). Gaslighting in intimate relationships: A form of coercive control. https://www.gbvlearningnetwork.ca/our-work/backgrounders/gaslighting_in_intimate_relationships
Gottman Institute. (2024). The four horsemen: Recognizing criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
Green, A. R., Charles, K., & McCreary, D. L. (2023). Psychological impact of sustained narcissistic abuse in intimate partnerships. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 38(12–13), 5585–5610. https://doi.org/10.1177/08862605231123456
Miller, J. D., Dir, A., Gentile, B., Wilson, L., Pryor, L. R., & Campbell, W. K. (2018). Searching for a vulnerable dark triad: Comparing factor 2 psychopathy, vulnerable narcissism, and borderline personality disorder. Journal of Personality, 86(2), 192–203. https://doi.org/10.1111/jopy.12313
Paulhus, D. L. (1998). Interpersonal and intrapsychic adaptiveness of traits in the Dark Triad. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74(6), 1528–1539. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.74.6.1528
Schulman, S. (2016). Conflict is not abuse: Overstating harm, community responsibility, and the duty of repair. Arsenal Pulp Press.
Sweet, P. L. (2019). The sociology of gaslighting. American Sociological Review, 84(5), 851–875. https://doi.org/10.1177/0003122419874843
Wink, P. (1991). Two faces of narcissism. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61(4), 590–597. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.61.4.590
Keywords: narcissism, gaslighting, NPD, emotional abuse, relationships, toxic relationships, relationship conflict, manipulation, trauma, overdiagnosis, narcissist types, therapy, abuse
Bio: Cody Harper is a Master of Social Work and Registered Social Worker, and a therapist in Calgary, Ab. with Assured Psychology. He is trained in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Compassionate Inquiry, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Existential Therapy, and works with individuals on life satisfaction, mindfulness, anxiety/depression, men’s issues, grief, addiction, and trauma.