By Lisa Gust, MSc., R.Psych.
The pain of loss can be overwhelming. It can be particularly hard to watch a loved one go through loss, and we often approach their grief with the best of intentions. However, it can be difficult to know how to best support someone we care about when they are grieving. The following article outlines common experiences of grief, and ways we can best support a loved one through this painful experience.
Grief is a common experience following a significant loss. We often think of grief following the death of a loved one, however there are many other losses where we can experience grief. Significant losses can be related to being terminated from work, receiving a serious diagnosis, experiencing changes in ability or identity, the end of a relationship, or other kinds of losses or endings.
Common experiences of grief include changes in mood (including feeling sad, angry, shocked, numb, anxious, confused), day-to-day tasks (low motivation, difficulties sleeping, changes in appetite), thinking (difficulties focusing, memory problems), and beliefs (questioning faith, trying to make sense of the world after the loss). Sometimes grief follows one significant loss, while sometimes grief includes a string of losses (for example, the loss of community, stability, and identity after a big move). Grief can also be for an anticipated loss, like the changes that come with a serious health diagnosis. When we feel unsupported, or that our grief is “not allowed”, we can experience what is known as disenfranchised grief. This can be particularly hard, as we may not reach out to the usual supports we would typically rely on because we feel they won’t be supportive or understanding.
5 Tips for Supporting a Loved One While They’re Grieving
1. Allow space and time to feel your feelings
It can be tempting to keep busy and distracted. However, an important part of moving through grief is to feel the feelings that come with grief. Give yourself permission to feel whatever feelings come up.
2. Find your supportive community
Grief can be an isolating experience. Whether it’s friends, family, or a support group, finding your support community can help ease the feelings of loneliness that come with a significant loss. Even if you don’t feel comfortable talk about your loss, being around other people can help us feel less alone and isolated.
3. Talk about it someone you trust
Part of what helps us heal from loss is talking about it with someone who understands and is supportive. If we don’t feel we have someone in our community that we can talk to, working with a counsellor can be a great alternative.
4. Take care of your own needs
The pain of grief can make it challenging to focus on ourselves, particularly if we need to focus on the changes that come with loss, or if we are supporting others through the same loss. Making sure we are our own needs for sleep, nutrition, and exercise can help with our mood and grounding in routine when other parts of our life feel uncertain.
5. Avoid well-meaning messages
This can be the toughest one of all, as we often want to ease the pain for our loved ones. At the same time, well-meaning messages can feel invalidating to the person we want to comfort. Instead, acknowledging the loss and affirming you are there to support them can be much more meaningful.
Discover grief counselling at Assured Psychology in Calgary
If you or someone you love is struggling, speaking with a psychologist or counsellor can make a real difference. Counselling offers a safe, supportive space to process grief, work through difficult emotions, and find meaningful ways to honour your loss. Book an appointment today to take that first step.
Written by Lisa Gust, M.Sc., R.Psych. Lisa is a Registered Psychologist in Calgary, Alberta, and provides one-on-one counselling for both personal and career-related concerns. To learn more about her and counselling more generally, please visit the Assured Psychology website.